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The source of ‘FREE’

U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders speaks at the Communication Workers of America (CWA) office in Washington December 17, 2015. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

Hey Bernie, we love free. Man, is free good. Give us, give us, give us. Free. Free tuition. Free health care. All free.

For everyone. Every … single … person. Because we’re all equal, right? So free for all of us.

Awesome.

So where does free come from?

Did God create free? How about Zeus? Did it come from outer space? Or can we Om it into existence? We yogis, we Om, and we haven’t yet had free materialize in our presence. Maybe we’re not Oming loud enough.

We’re bummed too. We love education. We’d love for college tuition to be free. Awesome. Really cool. All the superlatives you can imagine. They all apply to ‘free college’.

So we’re thinking of getting a printing press. A high end one, that can print dollars. We figure it’ll be a small investment for ‘free’.

But it’s illegal for us to print our own money, and if we were to put a face on it, like my own, well, people would laugh. And not just about my nose. They’d say things like, “What? Are you an idiot? Of course you can’t print your own money.”

And we’d say, “But…but…”, because we’d stammer, “we’re just trying to create free.”

And they’d say, “You’re stupid.”

And we’d say, “But…”

And it would go back and forth and back and forth. Forever.

Because no one knows the source of the mythical free. Even our precogs aren’t seeing it.

But you do, it appears, oh mystical one. So please bestow upon us your unique knowledge.

From whence, Mr. Bernie, comes free?