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The Quest for FREE

Democratic presidential candidate. (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)

Hey Bernie,
We Heysayers are starting a quest for the mythical ‘FREE’. We are packing out packs, buying new boots and stocking up on oats and nuts. We’re going to dedicate every non-political, non-Apple moment in search of the mystical ‘FREE.”

Thank you, Bernie. We have a mission.

Our first plan was to start in Mexico, make it a coast to coast quest, hike along the PCT and take a stop in Idyllwild. There we’d have a coffee and apple pie at the Idyllwild Bake Shop & Brew and walk out with just a thanks and a smile.

That was shortsighted. Food costs money in Idyllwild. Someone’s got to grow it and harvest it and make it into blueberry scones. And those scones are definitely worth something.

So we huddled.

FREE, we decided, comes from places like Nottingham, places that are dominated by government leaders like Prince John, the over-taxer, and his crony Sir Guy and the other folks who suck off of government favors.

From what we know of the landscape, we figured Nottingham and Burlington are pretty much the same. And of course, you’re in Burlington, so FREE must be close.

But our precogs (the apprentice is progressing quickly) did some out of body exploring. They both saw high castles and giant lawns and towers. They both agreed that FREE comes from the wonderful residents of those high castle who tax the blacksmiths and farmers and builders and healers and all the other people who don’t work for government. Those people, according to our precogs, then take that money and give it to those folks who follow government rules and do government bidding.

So what we’re now thinking, in our quest for FREE, that we’ll take our knapsacks, hop on our unicycles and head for D.C.

Don’t worry, though, Bernie. We haven’t forgotten you. We’ll detour through that bastion of ethnic diversity called Vermont, and pick you up. Expect us in the fall, while the leaves are turning, before we head back down for the November festivities.

We’re getting excited right now just thinking about.

See you in four months. Get your barbecue ready. We’ll be hungry.