Donald Trump Is Missing

Hey Donald Trump,

We’ve forgotten you.

Either we’ve stopped watching the news now that Bernie’s out or you’ve disappeared. Maybe that’s why you and your campaign manager chose to part, followed quickly by the gloating staffer who doesn’t know the rules of Twitter.


We hope you’re doing okay. Because we don’t know. And we care, Donald. We want you to be well.

We want Baja.

Do you think Hillary’s going to annex Baja California?
We don’t.

Gary Johnson, the Libertarian?
No. He’ll be focused on disbanding the IRS.

We’re already planning for the border wall. Our tunnel’s been started and we’re making progress. We’ve hit Tijuana. We actually dug up underneath a fronton. You know, where they play Jai Alai.

It’s an awesome sport. Man to man. Fast.

And it’s all about gambling.

Turns out we’re good.

We bet on ourselves. We’ve financed the development of a border-crossing coffee shop.

It’s called Under the Border.

If we keep winning we are going to create a chain of Under the Border shops offering supplies and coffee and passports and all sorts of border-crossing accoutrements.

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We’re expanding the tunnel through barter. Free passage for three days labor — cots included of course — and waste removal on their way out.

It’s worked out well. We’re getting close to connecting our second fronton.

But because tunnels, like walls, work both ways, you may have an in influx of Jai Alai players.

We’ll call you when the frontons start popping up in Arizona.

You’ll be building the casino.

The Donald Trump Memorial Casino and Fronton.

Nice, isn’t it?

We’ll run the concessions.

We know it will be a lot of work. We’re going to need all of our political and financial savvy.

You’ll finance with debt, of course, with a schedule for three bankruptcies over the next ten years. So we’ll need to brush up on bonds.

Hillary will be pushing for a Middle East theme, burkas not required for blondes. So we’re going to learn Arabic, just in case we can’t keep her out.

Bernie will deem it ‘unacceptable’, his favorite word, and call the winners greedy and shoot for a 75% tax on all gambling winnings. Our plan is to allow him one speech per week and a finger extender so his pointing is even more effective.

Regardless of how it goes, we’re looking forward to the fight.

Just imagine, Donald, a new oasis in southern Arizona. Golf courses, towering hotels, a series of canals coming from Seattle all the way down to the mouth of our tunnel. (which we can’t divulge at this point)

Think of the jobs that would create.

All built around Jai Alai and frontons.

But you’re going to have to win, Donald, for our vision to become reality.

So crawl out and say something inane and outrageous. Get the fact checkers running and Anderson Cooper grimacing.

Go, Donald, go. We miss you.